I like dark places, so I will not say that I have been in a dark place, recently, but I have been in a deadly place. I cannot spend another year like this, spitting in my own face, whoring myself to my horrors and struggling to remember my dreams.
Every dawn, as fatigue sets in, my eyes follow the woodgrain of my desk, the pixels on the display, and the twilight through the windows conceding to sunrise. This morning, my breathing catches the scent of a peach stone I discarded hours ago. The peach had been the size of a golf ball, dry, and underripe, with the consistency of something unconcerned with the consistency of peaches. My fifteen-year-old sister coughs with pneumonia somewhere on the floor below. Somehow, it is all not quite real anymore. Was it ever? I think this question as if it is a new thought. I tend to forget when I last asked myself. Was it last week?
The train passes. I envision myself writing something on the empty walls with blood. I wonder how well it would stain.
Ventrilo beeps. Erick has gone to sleep for the day.
I wish that food was as plentiful and affordable as technology.
Heh.
It is not that we have no money, but I have no money, and I refuse to be a parasite more than absolutely necessary to remain alive and sane. Even then, acquaintances will note, I tend to minimalise.
I accept gifts. With each dollar, I despise my situation more, but what can I do? I spend it on food. 5'7", 110 lbs. 100 lbs. 97 lbs. 93 lbs. 110 again. I try to savour the gift as much as the kindness of its giving. I am not taking this for granted. I know what I am doing. No one else seems to, but that does not matter, either, because knowing what I am doing only leads to more Catch-22s, more ironically dark humour.
This, and I still feel wasteful. Self-sabotaging. Philosophically raped. Psychologically solicitous. Academia's Whore, he called me....
A bird looks in from its perch on the window. I watch. It vanishes as a car pulls into the lot. I note that my vision is foggy. A part of my consciousness reminds me that it has been for months. I do my best to discard the thought.
I know everything that I need to do. Yet the trunk of that tree is to get out of here.
And I can't.
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
31 May 2006
14 April 2006
For the Sake of Writing, Really
In tonight's world, healthily questioning humans, especially the Living Foods Movement, and most especially those embracing human frugivory to its core are, seemingly, in some states of mind, faced with a dilemma, because the tide has entirely reversed. The playing table is upside-down and backwards. Once upon a time, humanity would kill for a loaf of bread, a block of cheese, or a flagon of ale. Tonight, we are saturated with it. It is the norm to such an extent that it is what a human now envisions when 'food' is mentioned. The natural now seems exotic, rare, precious -- qualities previously associated with man-made meals. Bread-baking was once on par with being considered a miracle. Now, in many large areas of the world, it is a miracle if one is able to find an ounce of natural human sustenance. Where trees once stood stand livestock and the constructs of Nature's corpses in which we live and work. Where live fruit once fell fall polyethylene membranes filled with the waste of waste; cells twice-killed and in many cases unrecoverable unless a microbe evolves which can somehow assimilate and produce live cells from polymers.
The process of necromancy we are evoking upon the world is not inherently evil. Certainly, it is the destruction of a world with the apparent desire to replace it with another. Rejecting one reality and substituting our own. Creating our own 'nature' in which we are the gods. It is a bold ideal, and one which can go very well or very poorly.
Currently, it is going very poorly. The majority, seemingly including those in the highest positions of civilisation's power, are unaware of the magnitude of our actions, our power, the changes which we have been inflicting on this planet since our first-kindled fire. Those that are aware and, perhaps, may even see the potential of this power, are unable themselves to affect change in this power which would sway its creations and teachings in the direction of long-term survival and happiness rather than short-term satisfaction of desires brought on by the cellular death we are subjected to as consumers of death.
Io Lune recently wrote to me:
I have for some time seen good reason to question the Marxist model which states that the current state of affairs in the world is somehow nescesary in order to move on to something better. The only area, in fact, that I can see history as progressing from worse to better would in the sense of deterministic psychology and all of its various social effects. Ecologically and biochemically, many have really not gone in the right direction.
This is a facet of my contention, thus far.
So, what is the solution? How do we escape this grave we have dug for millennia? It would seem that a portion of the Living Foods Movement and related ideologies hold that, in many areas of science and societal memes, we must revert to the earliest relevant point and relearn with new intelligence and a (sometimes literally) fresh perspective. A physically ideal yet hotly contested suggestion. Of course, there exists the possibility that our current state of cognitive Limbo of acumen -- this Purgatory of consciousness which is hampering the individual on a level similar to, yet far varied from, the long-speculated unconsciousness of the Early Middle Ages -- is a stepping-stone to a level of human creation finally separated from death. The potentiality that intelligent synthesis can, with sufficient perception and understanding of cellular life, surpass the unconscious causality of Earth's Nature -- separately outdistancing it in nonalignment, neither subduing nor extinguishing it.
To an individual of endeavours such as the Living Foods Movement, either potential solution may seem, at first glance, to require beginning with the action of improving one's self. Yet with our state of great multiplicity, only aggregation holds the power to influence significantly beneath the governmental level, let alone to speak to it from below. Thus, perceptibly, the small actions embarking on amelioration must themselves stem from words. Roots, vines, and webs of words. Improvement in isolation, in this case, could only end in futility with the disesteem and eventually nigh-complete omission of such desire to heed the inner voice of reason which insists that the bulk of our current 'understanding' of ourselves and our surroundings is simply wrong.
On the other hand, we are talking about the species which has shown a history of supreme irony.
The process of necromancy we are evoking upon the world is not inherently evil. Certainly, it is the destruction of a world with the apparent desire to replace it with another. Rejecting one reality and substituting our own. Creating our own 'nature' in which we are the gods. It is a bold ideal, and one which can go very well or very poorly.
Currently, it is going very poorly. The majority, seemingly including those in the highest positions of civilisation's power, are unaware of the magnitude of our actions, our power, the changes which we have been inflicting on this planet since our first-kindled fire. Those that are aware and, perhaps, may even see the potential of this power, are unable themselves to affect change in this power which would sway its creations and teachings in the direction of long-term survival and happiness rather than short-term satisfaction of desires brought on by the cellular death we are subjected to as consumers of death.
Io Lune recently wrote to me:
I have for some time seen good reason to question the Marxist model which states that the current state of affairs in the world is somehow nescesary in order to move on to something better. The only area, in fact, that I can see history as progressing from worse to better would in the sense of deterministic psychology and all of its various social effects. Ecologically and biochemically, many have really not gone in the right direction.
This is a facet of my contention, thus far.
So, what is the solution? How do we escape this grave we have dug for millennia? It would seem that a portion of the Living Foods Movement and related ideologies hold that, in many areas of science and societal memes, we must revert to the earliest relevant point and relearn with new intelligence and a (sometimes literally) fresh perspective. A physically ideal yet hotly contested suggestion. Of course, there exists the possibility that our current state of cognitive Limbo of acumen -- this Purgatory of consciousness which is hampering the individual on a level similar to, yet far varied from, the long-speculated unconsciousness of the Early Middle Ages -- is a stepping-stone to a level of human creation finally separated from death. The potentiality that intelligent synthesis can, with sufficient perception and understanding of cellular life, surpass the unconscious causality of Earth's Nature -- separately outdistancing it in nonalignment, neither subduing nor extinguishing it.
To an individual of endeavours such as the Living Foods Movement, either potential solution may seem, at first glance, to require beginning with the action of improving one's self. Yet with our state of great multiplicity, only aggregation holds the power to influence significantly beneath the governmental level, let alone to speak to it from below. Thus, perceptibly, the small actions embarking on amelioration must themselves stem from words. Roots, vines, and webs of words. Improvement in isolation, in this case, could only end in futility with the disesteem and eventually nigh-complete omission of such desire to heed the inner voice of reason which insists that the bulk of our current 'understanding' of ourselves and our surroundings is simply wrong.
On the other hand, we are talking about the species which has shown a history of supreme irony.
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